Preparing to Conceive: Mental Health
No one can tell you when the best time to add to your family is, or if you should at all. There are so many factors to consider with your partner and yourself. Many things could impact this decision, such as the spacing of your previous children in addition to your health and fertility. This topic has definitely been on my mind lately. While I wasn’t ready to add another baby to our family as quickly as we had previously spaced our first two, I have always known that I do want a large family. I was fully in the “I can’t add more to my load” camp while also in the “but I know in my heart we aren’t done” camp. And then of course there is my sweet husband who would like to make babies six months apart, which obviously wouldn’t work well for me. Ha!
I have been doing a few things as we navigate through this decision in order to prepare my mind, my body, and my heart, and I thought maybe they would resonate with others too. A major component of this decision in our family is mental health.
After the birth of our second daughter
After the birth of my first daughter I knew right away I wanted to birth our future children differently. I sought out a different type of maternity care, seeking refuge in a birthing center and the midwifery model of care. But after the birth of my second daughter (which was beautiful and wonderful and everything I dreamed about) I realized that with subsequent babies I needed to change how I did postpartum care. The transition from one to two kids (and two kids very close in age), kicked me in the metaphorical teeth. I became so needed. I had a high energy potty training toddler, a breastfeeding infant with a severe hate of nighttime sleep, two dogs, a massive outdoor remodeling project that involved taking those dogs potty on a leash instead of just opening a door for them, a husband that traveled for work for a week or more at a time, and a business. I was drowning. We were so happy as a family, we loved our babies, but my head was not above water. I would break the surface every few weeks as things would get easier. My toddler would be more manageable, would throw less fits, would play nicely while I nursed. But then my infant would hit another huge sleep regression, or my dog would take on a mission to pee in the house every day for a week, or my husband would leave town for work. And just like that, my head would be below water again.
Intrusive thoughts would sneak in, and scare the crap out of me. Like “what if when I come to my daughter’s crib tomorrow, she just won’t be breathing.” WHAT??? How could these things even come into my mind about my beautiful sweet children. I was overwhelmed, over stressed, and overworked by my own self and situation. Because I own my own business, I felt that I couldn’t take adequate time off to recover and settle into life with two kids. I took a mere three weeks off of coaching my classes after my daughter’s birth, and when I started again I would haul my infant into the sweaty hot gym with me. I refused to leave her because I had anxiety about her needing to nurse (she didn’t take a bottle well). It was not what I would have encouraged my own clients to do.
Bringing babies to the gym: super cute, but super stressful!
Around this time, my husband also took a mental health hit. He was working like crazy, had just watched his wife go through a pregnancy and unmedicated birth, adjusted to being a dad to two, managed a huge home improvement project with a crazy unreliable contractor, his grandmother passed away, and he closed the biggest deal at work in his entire career. The real kicker turned out to be that even though he was on airplanes regularly for work, he has some anxiety about the tight spaces inside a plane. All of these factors piled up on him, and one evening while sitting on a tarmac ready to fly to Boston he had a panic attack and exited the plane. He tried to board a plane the next morning, and it was worse. He left the plane again, and his body forced him to address what was happening. He couldn’t sleep, he was having panic attacks in the middle of the night or even just while he was hanging out with the kids, and needed the help of a primary care physician and therapist to work through it all. I made him tell his boss what was going on, and it was received so amazingly well. He was told to take three weeks off of work, which seemed like an eternity. This gift was bestowed to a man that took a mere three days off of work after our baby was born (which was his choice, not his company policy). I felt that he needed the permission to take time and heal. It was so amazing and important that he had this time, as he was truly not able to function well. This fact alone was so startling to us both because he has always been such a rock, and all of a sudden he was bedridden and essentially unavailable as a partner and father while he nursed his brain back to health. It was hard for him, and for me. I felt like in order to support him I had to completely take on all of the things, and I was resentful and overwhelmed.
On my husband’s three week leave from work we tried to get out and do normal things with our kids. One great memory was visiting the Butterfly House in Saint Louis.
After my husband sought help from a primary care physician, medication, and a therapist, I noticed some more concerning things in my own mental health (though it took a few months). I was short tempered and quick to react. I was constantly angry and irritated with my husband. I felt that I shouldered all of the responsibility of parenting and that the “mental load of momming” was only mine. That drowning feeling was constantly there. I was tired, I was struggling, and I was unwell. And even though my husband had had the experience he did, it was still hard for me to process anxiety in myself. Mental health was not a topic that was discussed growing up (not because my parents weren’t awesome. They are amazing. But in general mental health just wasn’t as talked about). How could I have postpartum anxiety or depression after that beautiful birth with my second daughter when I didn’t have that experience after my first? Surely it couldn’t happen to me, it happened to other people!
My husband had seen so much improvement after his body and brain forced him to take the pause that it did. A few months into his recovery, he encouraged me to get my own help. I didn’t want to jump straight to medication (there is no stigma there from me about medication, I just didn’t want to go there without first trying other resources). I was lucky that the first therapist I reached out to per the list provided by my insurance was a wonderful match for me.
I felt validated. I talked through the experience my husband and I went through with his mental health breakdown. I talked through my feelings of resentment and anger when my husband would bring up wanting another child so soon. I learned how to communicate my feelings and needs with my husband, including my need to take some time before conceiving again.
Two Babies Under Two
Fast forward to today. I still talk to my therapist about once a month. We have talked extensively about when to conceive again. My youngest daughter will be two in May and it feels like time. But in the same breath that I say it feels like time, it also feels overwhelming to think about getting back into the water again, so to speak. I’m no longer drowning and I’ve learned some good strategies to take care of myself and my needs. I’m nervous that getting pregnant will put me right back in that negative head space I was in before. It is comforting to know that I have a game plan this time and that with my husband and therapist’s support this game plan will be put into place to keep my head above water!
I would be a liar if I didn’t mention how my faith plays into this. I am a very spiritual Christian. I rely on my faith and my conversations with God to guide me in many ways. I will always say that in our house we put God first, our marriage second, and our kids third. It’s important to me to keep this order of priority so that we function fully as a family. So to mention my mental health without mentioning my relationship with Christ just isn’t the full picture. I have been praying and reading the bible and praying some more looking for guidance on this whole concept of “when??” . To non-spiritual people I can imagine this sounds crazy, but to me I am so comforted knowing that ultimately it is God’s timing and His beautiful plan for me, my marriage, and my family. That alone is so encouraging. I would also be lying if I didn’t mention that I have been waiting for a sign. It would be so convenient if it could be a flashy neon sign with an arrow pointing at a calendar, “Right here! Make a baby on this day” but we all know that’s not how it’s going to happen. To be honest, I’m not sure I have seen a sign at all but I am encouraged by the springtime. It’s currently the time of year where the baby leaves start to show themselves to the world on raw and naked branches, daffodils are pushing through their buds with their instant sunny joy, and birds are gathering pieces of this and that to make nests to start their own family. This may be all the sign I need, as my own family settles into their new ages, their new roles and personalities.
I’m going to keep talking about this. I have really made it my goal to go into a pregnancy being my best me mentally, feeling my best physically, and putting my best self forward as a mom, wife, and friend. I’ll take you guys along with me as I journey through it!
Per usual, I’ll finish with a call out to you mama. Of course if you need help navigating fitness with motherhood I’m your girl. But if you are struggling with these aspects of mental health and need help connecting to a therapist or care provider reach out to me. I can connect you with some amazing women I have met in the community that work as therapists or counselors. Or I would be happy to just keep talking, listen to you, and be a friend. Get help. It’s so worth it!
Photo by Gretchen Day Photography
